


Stepping Stones

by LittleBlueArtist



Category: Free!
Genre: Again, M/M, i hurt haru, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5726647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleBlueArtist/pseuds/LittleBlueArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka wakes up in a hospital bed, and he thinks the word <em>whole</em> has never been in his vocabulary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stepping Stones

**Author's Note:**

> you can scream and yell at me on tumblr at [noyaplease!](http://noyaplease.tumblr.com) Update: Did you like this fic? Want more of your own? Well I have good news! I've opened commissions! Find the info post [here!](http://noyaplease.tumblr.com/post/149722884338/writing-commissions)

He wakes up in a hospital bed. The noise and smell are overwhelming, and it brings him back to the days when he visited his grandmother. Haruka’s eyes, still shining and as blue as the ocean, look around the room. He’s still kind of hazy, and his hair is matted to his forehead in sweat. There’s a conversation going on outside his room, and he can pick up only words from it. “Accident… Swimming will be… Nanase-san has…” is all he hears from the doctor. He can also hear the distinct warble of Makoto’s voice, but he can’t make out what is being said. It’s not long before the drugs pull him back into sleep.

When he wakes up again, there’s a hand holding his. It’s big and warm. It’s not his mother’s. “Haru-chan…I’m so sorry.” The voice is no doubt Makoto’s.

“Drop the chan.” It’s hard to say the words. They take up his whole mouth and tumble out too quickly. Sand is lining his throat and he can barely move his tongue. There’s something wrong. He looks up at big green eyes that slant downward just a little. Eyes that have been there his whole life.

“Do you remember why you’re here, Haruka?”

And that’s when Haru starts to worry. Makoto never calls him by his full name. He knows that Haru doesn’t like it very much because of all the teasing he got as a kid. When Makoto calls him by his full name it’s _urgent_ and _important_ and _Haruka don’t swim in the fountain!_ It’s _wrong._ But in all its wrongness, Haru knows he needs to think about Makoto’s question. Why is he here? He remembers stairs, and the **CAUTION** sign that blocked the floor. He remembers stepping over it, like usual.

And then all he remembers is pain. There’s a pain so big in his lower back that he can’t make a sound, and all he can see is Makoto’s eyes. The taller boy’s lips are yelling, screaming around them, probably for help, but he can’t hear it. All he can see is the tears in Makoto’s eyes and he wants them to stop because Makoto should never cry. He thinks he hears someone say “It’s going to be alright. You’ll be okay,” but the voice is so far away he’s sure he imagined it.

His answer is slow. “I fell.”

Makoto is quick to answer. “Yeah, Haru. You fell down the stairs. You got hurt pretty badly.”

“Am I broken?”

Makoto looks away. He doesn’t want to answer, doesn’t want to think. He wants to see Haruka back in the water with his beautiful form. “Your parents are coming tomorrow. There was a big storm in Tokyo and all the flights were canceled.”

“Makoto.” The word is like a knife slicing the air, and Haru can see it puncture his best friend’s ribs, and then deeper into his heart. Haru is very rarely harsh with Makoto.

Makoto’s voice is full of dust. His mouth is a book that hasn’t been opened in decades. “You are…broken. You broke your back, Haru. The doctors say your L2 dislocated and you broke your L5. With proper care and rehab, they say you’ll be able to walk again, and it’ll only take a few weeks.”

The words are sharper than his own. He can feel each one make a deep cut on his body. He wants to scream. “Walk again…?”

The tears are flowing freely down Makoto’s face. “You’ll never be able to swim again, Haruka. The way you have to kick your legs, it could only cause more damage. You can walk in the water, they’ve even offered water based therapy, but you can’t swim. I’m so sorry, Haru-chan. I don’t know….”

But Makoto’s voice fades. No swimming? The thought is so foreign. The bed he’s on fades away and Haruka is standing on sand. There’s no water anywhere, and the sun bears down so harshly it might as well be right next to him. The sand burns his bare feet, and when he looks down, he finds he’s only wearing his swimsuit. The piece of clothing feels like an enemy, and here, in his own world, Haruka screams. He screams so loud and hard that the sun slips into the moon and the sand starts to swirl around him, burying him. He wants it to.

The sound of doors opening rouse Haru out of his safe place, and he sees blue eyes similar to his own looking over him. How long had he been screaming? Makoto is sleeping in a chair, slumped over in what looks to be a very uncomfortable position. His mother is talking to him, but all he wants to do is reach out to Makoto, and to have that smile heal him. There’s nothing Makoto’s smile can’t heal. He wants Makoto to heal him, _needs_ Makoto to heal him.

His mother smiles sadly and wipes his hair away from his face. She’s saying something, but Haruka isn’t paying attention. He wants to cry.

For the first time in his life, Haruka Nanase feels like he is drowning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He hates the water. It is taunting him with its pristine beauty and glowing shimmer. He hears it call out his name while he’s asleep. It grabs his ankles every time he’s forced to do water therapy. Makoto does it with him, because Haru refuses to go in the water without him. He can’t. He never puts his head under anymore, too afraid he won’t want to come back up.

Makoto doesn’t dare swim. Instead, he walks with Haruka, and gives him encouragement. The black haired boy doesn’t ask about the swim club, whether it’s still going or not. It’s been two months since he’s stepped foot outside of the hospital. His refusal to go through therapy had made it increasingly harder. Even Makoto had a tough time getting through to him.

Nagisa and Rei had stopped by a couple times, and even Rin had showed up. The racing and hungry spark had been gone from his eyes, replaced with sorrow and pity. Haru wanted to hit him until the spark returned. Even Rin had given up on him, it seemed.

Now, as he struggles to walk across the pool, his heart is stopped. Makoto is walking beside him, familiar leg skins shimmering under the water. Haruka wants to burn them. His own swimsuit has been traded for black trunks. He hates them. He loves them. He wants to cry.

In the beginning he was eager to get better, thinking that maybe the doctors were wrong, that just once a miracle would come his way, but that was smothered as soon as they said he needed surgery. Something had gone wrong with the healing. His L2 didn’t relocate right. This made his 1% chance of swimming again drown.

He looks at Makoto, who isn’t smiling. Haru doesn’t think he’s seen Makoto smile since he entered the hospital. He wants to force his lips upward. He had pretended to be asleep once when his best friend was visiting late. Makoto was holding his hand and very lightly brushing his hand back. “We were going to win,” he had said, a far away smile on his lips. “That day, I got Nagisa and Rei to clear the roof. I had set up a picnic for us. I was going to confess to you, Haruka.” He can hear the tears forming.

Haru can’t stop counting how many times Makoto has cried because of him. “I thought maybe you would feel the same way… I saw you fall, Haru-chan. I was right behind you, and I saw you fall. If I were faster, if I had just reached out, you would still be able to swim. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Haruka. I promise I’ll be better.” Those were the last words he managed to choke out before completely breaking down, a hand over his mouth to cover the noise. Haruka had let himself drift back into sleep.

Now, as he looks at Makoto, his eyes are filled with a different kind of scared than he gave the ocean. Is he afraid Haru hates him? Makoto could stab him and he could still never hate him. Is he afraid Haru doesn’t share the same feelings? This is one Haruka has to think about. He knows he loves Makoto, and he thinks he always has, but what kind of love? He thinks he wouldn’t mind having Makoto as a boyfriend.

“Haru-chan, the doctor said you’ll be ready to go home in a week. Weren’t you listening?”

Haruka wants to scream that he’ll never be _home_ again, that his home is the water and it always has been. “Sorry, Makoto. That’s good news.” He can’t say that he’s happy, but Makoto, for the first time in months, gives a real smile, and that’s enough to remember what happy is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His parents stay with him until they are satisfied that he can take care of himself. Haruka remembers now why he chose to stay alone and look after the house. He feels smothered with all of the attention. That night, the first night he is alone, Haruka cries. It’s the first time he’s cried since the accident. He is screaming, pounding at the floor with his fists, barely taking note as to when the door opens.

He knows it’s Makoto. The shorter boy had learned the sound of the taller’s footsteps long ago. “Haru!” Makoto calls, coming to sit beside him, gently pulling him into his arms. Haruka protests, but Makoto holds tight, unwilling to let him flee from the strong arms. Haruka screams, shouts, cries, and pounds his fists against Makoto until his own hands hurt. “I’m broken!” he yells, unable to think anything else.

They stay like that all night, and at some point, Haru falls asleep. He wakes up in his bed, Makoto’s arm firmly around his waist. He doesn’t try to get out of it this time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Haruka wakes up again, Makoto is gone. The side of his bed is still warm, though, so it’s likely that he’s still in the house. When the smell of pancakes comes into his room the fact is confirmed. Haru makes his way down the stairs, moving only a bit more clumsily as he did before the accident. His steps aren’t sleek and graceful anymore, but still as silent. Makoto jumps when Haru opens the fridge to get some milk.

He nearly drops the carton when he sees Makoto’s face. There’s an ugly bruise sprouting on his jaw. It’s purple and green and blue, and all the colors Makoto’s face shouldn’t be. Haru looks at his own hands. His knuckles are bruised. “Morning, Haru-chan,” his best friend says, smiling gently, barely suppressing a wince as the upturn of lips stretches his bruise.

 _Dammit, Makoto!_ Haruka thinks, setting down the milk carton. _Be mad at me! Be angry! I hurt you, Makoto. Please, take care of yourself, Makoto. Look out for yourself, Makoto._ He grabs two glasses from the cupboard and stays silent. The stripe of skin that his shirt has ridden up to reveal only has more bruises. Haruka wants to hit himself in the face for every time he hurts Makoto. He knows if he does that, he would no longer be recognisable.

“I made some pancakes. I know I’m not the best cook, but Ren and Ran love these, so I think I’m okay at it. How many do you want, Haru-chan?”

Haru doesn’t tell him to drop the chan. “I don’t care.” He puts plates on the table. This has been their morning routine for years, except Haruka is usually making breakfast. And it’s usually mackerel instead of pancakes. He wishes Makoto would have let him make breakfast.

The taller boy puts down a stack of pancakes and utensils. While he gets the butter and syrup, Haru puts three on his plate. He hasn’t had real food in two months. He hasn’t been able to use metal utensils in two months. He hasn’t been in his own bed in two months. For a second, while he’s eating slightly burnt pancakes, he forgets about the accident. He forgets about the months spent in rehab, and pretends that he can still swim whenever he wants. He pretends that Makoto will still have to hold out his hand to help him out of the pool.

But then he’s slammed back into reality when Makoto puts a pill bottle on the table. It is pain medication. It is medication he will have to take for the rest of his life. It is the medication that will tease him for the next few decades. He swallows it dry.

~~~~~~~~

His first day back at school, Makoto is reluctant to leave his side. He is even more reluctant to go up to the roof for lunch. “I’ll be okay, Makoto,” he says, no waver in his voice. Despite that, Haru still feels scared as he starts climbing the stairs. Subconsciously his hand finds Makoto’s, and squeezes. He never wants to let go.

There is no **CAUTION** sign this time, and no wet floor. There is nothing to be scared of, yet his heart pounds in his chest. Nagisa and Rei greet him with excitable “Haru-chan!”s and “Welcome back, Haruka-senpai!”s. He manages to smile. Makoto gives them a warning grin, and they go sit down. Makoto hands Haruka his bento, and for a second, everything is normal.

Nagisa is bothering Rei and asking him for facts about penguins. Rei is getting flustered at how close Nagisa is to him. Makoto is trying to calm Rei down. Haru looks out over the rooftop, and if he looks a little to the left, he can see the pool. It is empty. For now, he thinks he is okay with that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are bad nights. Nights where Haruka is so angry that hurting the walls of his grandmother’s house isn’t enough. Where he turns on himself. Somehow, Makoto can always tell when these nights happen. He comes over on those nights. The nights where there are smashed dishes and horrible screams. Makoto offers himself up as a canvas instead. Haru can never refuse, and he hates himself for it. He hates himself for hurting Makoto. It only makes him want to hurt himself more.

In the morning, when the damage is more prominent, Haru wants to smash his face into a mirror. Sometimes there is blood, sometimes there is bruises, but Makoto never says he’s hurting. He never says to stop. Even though the shorter boy knows his best friend must be in pain, that he must hurt, he never says a word. They don’t speak of these days.

Haru feels like he has become an abuser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is Nagisa and Rin who ambush him. Rei is standing outside the door, there to warn away anyone who might come into the Samezuka pool room. Makoto is home with a cold. There’s a spark in Rin’s eyes but it is not _the_ spark. It looks more like the spark of anger when Mikoshiba tries to hit on Kou. “Oi, Nanase,” he snaps, teeth clacking together. “What the hell do you think you’re doing to Makoto, huh? The guy is more fragile than paper.”

Haru is relieved that someone is yelling at him. No one has yelled at him since the accident. “It’s none of your business, Rin,” he says back, not quite ready to be passive.

“None of my business? I had Makoto come here with a bloody fuckin’ lip and a bruised chest.”

“Makoto is stronger than me,” is all Haruka replies with. He knows it’s a stupid reply, because Makoto wouldn’t even hurt a bee who stung him (in fact, he would probably feel bad about its death).

“Nanase… If you touch Makoto one more time, I swear I’ll-”

Nagisa cuts in then, pushing Rin back with surprising force. “Rin-chan, Haruka was in a really bad accident. He can’t swim anymore. Think about what you would do if you couldn’t swim anymore.” Haru widens his eyes just the slightest when Nagisa uses his full name. He doesn’t think he’s heard Nagisa ever not use _chan_. He wants Rin to hit him.

He wants Nagisa to stab him, maybe. He wants to _hurt_. He’s hurt everyone so much. “Nagisa…” he says, breathless. He wants to scream for Makoto, beg in tears for him not to hate  him. Maybe even kiss him until his lips hurt.

“Haruka, I really don’t appreciate you hurting Mako-chan so much. He’s a nice guy, and Mako-chan looks out for me–for all of us. Mako-chan loves you, Haruka. He will never tell you to stop, or that it hurts, because he wants to make you happy. However, if I see any more bruises form on Mako-chan’s skin, I can’t promise our next meeting will be as nice as this one, okay? I really think it’s best you leave, Haruka. Maybe bring Mako-chan some soup, he could use it. Bye-bye now.” Nagisa more or less shoos him out the door. Rei steps aside, no questions asked. Rin looks a little frightened of the small blond.

He does bring Makoto some soup, even helps him eat it because the other boy is so weak. Makoto raises an eyebrow, as if to ask if anything is wrong. _Worry about yourself, Makoto,_ he thinks harshly. Makoto only keeps staring. Haru pushes back the hair on his forehead. It is damp with sweat. The blue eyed boy only nods once, and forces another spoonful of soup into the brunette’s mouth. This is how it should be. This is how it always should’ve been.

When Makoto is asleep, Haru kisses him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the first day at the beach since Haruka’s incident. It’s been almost six months. Haru has stopped hurting his best friend, and has started to kiss all of the wounds he has made better. They are officially dating now, and although their relationship is strained, Haru knows it’s his fault. He has to regain Makoto’s trust; has to be _whole_ for Makoto’s sake.

The water before him laughs. Nagisa and Rei play in it. Haru and Makoto stay near the shore, letting soft waves lap against their knees. Haru won’t admit it, but he thinks he’ll never love water again. He keeps this a secret.

“You’re not happy here, Haru-chan,” Makoto says, looking out into the horizon, almost refusing to meet Haruka’s eyes. “I can see it in the way you look at the water. Your gaze is different now.”

So much for the secret. “You haven’t swum since my accident, Makoto.”

The reply is swift and easy. “That’s because it means nothing without you, Haru-chan.”

He’s heard it before, but this time, it punches him in the gut. He is breathless for a moment, scared that if he tries to talk now it will come out wrong and sloppy. “I love you.” The words tumble out. He likes the taste of them on his tongue. He likes the way Makoto’s eyes light up when he says them more.

“I’ve always loved you, Haru-chan. I got accepted into a university in Tokyo. I was going to tell everyone tomorrow, but I guess this question can’t wait. Do you want to come with me, Haru? To Tokyo?”

His response is a long, lingering kiss that he has to pull Makoto down by the shoulders to take. “I never want to leave you, Makoto. Not ever.”

For the first time since his accident, Haru feels like he is swimming again. He knows there’s repair work to be done to their relationship, that Rin, Rei, and Nagisa are still mad about his outbreaks. He knows that it will be a long time before they are both back to _normal_. But, he thinks it is worth it, if only for Makoto.

And maybe even for himself, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys I hope you enjoyed this fic! I seem to enjoy hurting Haru....whoops. In a writer's view, I guess that means I love him the most! 
> 
> Side note here, though. I am a struggling high school student and I'm trying my best to get buy, but my boss has recently died and I'm in between jobs. If you would like to commission me for a piece of writing (original, fanfic, or a piece for your ocs), please contact me on tumblr! Thank you so much!


End file.
